March 29, 2017 § Leave a comment
It is always these words, no more, no less. Yes yes, right right, a chant, satisfying the voices my sweet husband hears or sees in his head. They force a compulsion to chant but are never satisfied. They do not abate. They beg him to respond, over and over again.
The voices and maybe visions, do not let go. They are never tired and do not yearn for rest and sleep. Sometimes, with eyes squeezed shut, in the dark of night, my husband paces the bedroom hallways chanting loudly “yes yes, right right.”
This morning, after breakfast and morning medications, he sat in my dressing room with his chanting drowning out the sounds of TV news. Instead of sitting in a soft, cushy chair, he was standing at the window chanting aloud. I used to think that it was the sound of his own voice that kept him from relaxing and being in the moment. I want to listen in, to hear what he is hearing and seeing, responding to, I need an app for that!
In the past, I would tell him to sit still, be quiet and just watch the TV screen. Now I’ve learned it’s futile. Dementia has succeeded in destroying his ability to control it. I reassure him that I’m almost ready to drive him to the day care center. He loves being with me and is in no hurry to leave home, our safe haven.
In the car, he is my co-pilot, watching for dangers on the road, while holding hands at red lights. In the car it is absolutely quiet – no chanting…peace. If a car ahead stops suddenly, I will hear two words I never hear at any other time “oh shit.” This prompts me to stay alert and we share a laugh, narrowly escaping a road incident!