Choose Your Own Adventure

June 29, 2021 § Leave a comment

June 27, 2021

Today in Diane Zinna’s Sunday Grief Writing Workshop, this was our assignment: “Last week we were exploring second-person narration as a way to tell difficult stories; these books were all written in that style, making the reader the main character. This week, in addition to working with second-person, we’ll be considering the decisions we make in grief. You might remember how Choose Your Own Adventure books work–at the bottom of nearly every page, you’re given a choice that has you flipping around the book.” Make-believe page numbers, each decision moving the story along.

My writing:

It is a cold wintry day and you received a text message that he is doing better playing in the group with the rubber ball. You want to see for yourself. 

  • If you get off at the second floor to sign into the visitor book, go to page 14 
  • If you park and stay in your car with a box of tissues, go to page 1
  • If you stay home, stop reading

You know that the staff wants you to give him a haircut.  This clean-cut appearance must be an important goal and staff achievement.  You were disappointed that they had shaved off his white beard    he grew during the recent weeks in the hospital. You thought that he looked so handsome and had never seen him this way before now.

  • If you think that you should give him a haircut, go to page 23
  • If you think that his long hair is a delight to see and the staff should get  over it, go to page 22

You hear a strange noise from under your car and keep driving. It is late in the day and you’ll deal with that in the morning.    

  • If you think that you should go to the auto repair shop ASAP, go to page 30.
  • If you think that you should ignore those strange care sounds and go to see him without delay, go to page 28

The next day, you enter his room and see his arms flailing in the air as he stands on the bed. Two nurses and an attendant are trying to calm him.  Everyone is relieved to see me. 

  • If you think that I can make this better, go to page 32
  • If you think that they should just let him do whatever he wants, as long as he is standing on the floor, not the bed, go to page 31
  • If you think that some medicine should be administered to calm him, go to page 34

You look at your husband and cannot recognize his appearance. Overnight he has dramatically changed. He has never looked like this; ghostly and disoriented. He is dying. Every day that has passed since he returned from the hospital, showed signs that he was not getting better but was not suffering, until today. He holds onto your hand tightly, moaning softly, when the staff was able to maneuver him into a prone position.  Those moans were sweetly familiar, reminding you of the pleasures of intimate embrace. That was a clue that you could not interpret, it was his ending.

You call the funeral home. You watch staff put clean clothes on a body that you don’t recognize. You must decide on one last outfit, the burial clothing for the coffin. Endlessly, you wait for hours sitting still.  You are alone with his lifeless body until the hospice nurse certifies his passing.  All thought has stopped as you are overwhelmed by the gravity of the moment.

  • If you go to the second floor to sign out of the visitor log and another resident asks how he is doing, you can tell her that he has died, go to page 38
  • If you leave without signing out, go to page 37 

That’s nice dear

May 9, 2021 § 2 Comments

That’s nice dear

It’s Mother’s Day 2021 and today, in Diane Zinna’s grief writing workshop, (www.dianezinna.com), for one hour, we will write what’s true for us. We are a group of gentle people who write our hearts out, to tell our stories, no matter how difficult or complicated our feelings are to translate into words.

Writing prompt: what were they like…
Writing time: 18 minutes

I am sitting on the grey leather sofa that is no longer in my living room. I dutifully call my mother to see how she is doing. She has been in the hospital more than seventeen times in less than two years, and at times, when she didn’t pick up the phone right away, I knew that she was probably back in the hospital. Past 90 years old, I knew that my sister, the doctor, was afraid to let her go but it was inevitable that one day she would not come back to her apartment at the Boca Raton independent living facility. 

The telephone conversation would always be the same. I would ask her how she’s feeling and she would go on and on about her physical troubles that would cause her return to the hospital. I yearned for her to say that she saw a bluebird perched on the ledge of the window in the bright sunshine and she knew it was my Dad looking out for her. 

I hoped that she was not afraid of passing. She knew that she could talk openly about that with me but never said a word. Instead, I would tell her about my sweet husband, his symptoms from severe dementia and how sad it made me. She would say “isn’t there something else we could talk about besides death?” My heart would be near my knees in defeat. What else could there be to talk about besides my impending losses on earth? I did see the cardinal in the tree but the sun was not shining. I tell her “I love you Mom” and she says “that’s nice dear.”

Pass it on!

May 2, 2021 § Leave a comment

On Sunday afternoons, often you will find me grief writing with Diane Zinna (www.dianezinna.com). These hour-long online workshops include about twenty minutes of writing time to a specific writing prompt or two and sharpen our thoughtful listening skills when a few attendees read their words. This is an all together inspiring time.

As a widow, I will always count our ‘if only’ wedding anniversaries and this week would have been our fifteenth. I always think ‘you were supposed to be here.’ These words can bring me to tears but then I remember how sick he was and that is why he couldn’t stay for longer. No amount of yearning for him to be here, be here for me, could make a difference.

Today Diane was encouraging us to make a list of happy, joyful memories that are so painful to recall for they remind us of how much we’ve lost and our changed lives. Assignment: a list, maybe just a word or two. In memory of our anniversary, remembering the good times we shared feels like a celebration, an honor to what was and it is indeed painful.

We often talked about happy memories and I promised him that I would remember for us, when he no longer knew his own name. It doesn’t matter how many good times we shared, it wasn’t enough. Saddened, I looked at our photograph album and see that these are all the photos that will ever be, no time for just one more selfie.

The shared laughter comes through my writing today about glorious happy memories. Once again, I am reminded that love lives in the small stuff. How joyful simple lives can be! This is the wisdom about relationships that I wish someone had told me before now. Pass it on.

Writing poetry

March 25, 2021 § 4 Comments

This is a poem that I wrote in Diane Zinna’s online Sunday Grief Writing workshop. It is only one hour long but it feels like five minutes. I don’t attend every week, but when I do, the exercises are so creative that I feel inspired down to my toes. This is my first poem ever. Diane showed us five poems in foreign languages including French, German and Portuguese. Our assignment was to select one, looking at the rhythm of the words, imagine their meanings and then write our own poem, matching the number of lines. Time to write: 15 minutes: ready, set, go! It’s an adventure!

My poem

Today I awoke at dawn, yearning to see you.

I see your face in my dreams. I know that you can’t stay for long,

we are together.

I will hold onto these memories forever.

I look into your blue eyes, you are looking at me.

I did not leave you on that day.

You will always be gazing into my brown eyes that yearn to see you.

In my dreams I ask you to please stay, I yearn to see you.

You tell me that you can’t stay for long.

You tell me to hold onto our love.

You tell me to feel your embrace and I see you.

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